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Do I need a break or a breakthrough?


There's this feeling that I might lose in my life. I don’t know why such a thought is running in my mind. Maybe because I was programmed that way or due to my gene. I don’t know. But I’d really like to stop this way of thinking. Because it is making me sad and less happy about things around me. I’m losing interest in things which I used to be interested in before. I hope this changes. I’m nowadays spending most of my time on the phone. Lying down. I feel like I want to work out and all but, I’m not having enough motivation to do so. I sometimes think about imaginary things and situations, which are far from happening in my life. I feel like I’m delusional most of the time. But, as a creator, it might come in handy, but most of the time, we can’t tell the world exactly what we feel. That’s the way the world works. I feel like I need a break, but, I don’t know what is that break. I don’t know whether I need a break or a breakthrough. I’m exhausted because of all the current situation, both pandemic and political. I feel like I want to be away from this country, somewhere in Europe. Maybe that’s what I’ve been seeing all these years. I don’t know. I’m waking up late. I’m sleeping late. I want to wake up early, but, I’m helpless. I have a lot to tell this world but, isn’t letting me. I feel like I’m getting bogged down by my genes. Also, I know there’s this thing called epi-genetics. yet, my thought goes in such a direction. I don’t know whether I’ll put this up on my blog. And even if I do, no one is gonna know. Literally no one. I wish I had enough money so that I could tell myself to focus on things that excited me. Science, technology, art, space. I really wish I could’ve bought those cryptos back then. if someone is reading this in the future and if that someone can help me, just give me a hint back in 2012, though you wouldn’t be reading this in the first place, if you did so. I was just surfing around the internet skipping bitcoins. I regret. There are nights like these but, I took the courage to write tonight. Don’t know when after this. I feel left out. Or am I? I’m blurting out all my tangled thoughts into this. I know these writings might be used years into the future by some AI or neural link to help me get out of this never-ending misery of thoughts. Why are people like me built in such a way that we are lost in the journey sometimes? I’m not talking about death. but, about the spiral of thoughts. I came across an article long back saying that we should embrace our darker side during darker times rather than counteracting with optimism because it will help in the long run. After reading that article, I felt a little better. I started to embrace my darker side. I started accepting the situation as it is.

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